I got a buzzcut today. I'm still feeling jittery about it... I'm shaking... I seriously didn't think I would react the way that I did once I saw it. While the barber was cutting my hair (yes, I went to an Arab barber shop) I felt really liberated and thought *yes, I'm ACTUALLY doing this. FINALLY * -- but to be completely honest, now I feel extremely vulnerable. I'm nervous about what people will say/think. Obviously they'll probably think that I've gone crazy (the barber certainly thought so and laughed as he was buzzing my hair) but this is exactly why I did it -- to face my fears. To not care about what other people think. But I have to admit that I am really scared. I'm terrified, really. Of being judged like that. I was so (and am still) so nervous that after I got it cut, I had to go into the bathroom of a restaurant just to cry... but they weren't tears of sadness. They were tears of fear. But this is exactly why I needed to do it. I NEEDED to cut my hair. I can't be bound by my fears any longer. I need to get over them and this is my way of forcing myself to do it... cutting my hair was about being courageous and taking risks. Because as one wise woman once said "life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." So I've done it. I think I just need some time to get used to this new haircut. Anyways, I'll finish up this post with a song that I wrote about three months ago for the musical that I'm writing with a friend. This part is sung by a character who just her hair (go figure). Here it goes: I'm cutting my hair Cutting away all burdens to bear Don't really care about looking too pretty and no, I'm not kidding When I say I'm not taking your shit anymore Not from you not from anyone That's what I call, being a woman. A woman. - TL
I supposed this blog has become more of a journal than anything. I simply haven’t been inclined to write poetry recently. Nonetheless, I’ve been writing quite a bit in my personal “Paris” book… especially about things that I have been thinking about/experiencing.
It’s strange how so much can change in three months. Since I’ve moved to Europe, I’ve realized just how much I was suffering from anxiety/depression back in the US. Coming back here has reminded me of the life I used to live, the life of my childhood. Even though I can’t change what happened in the past, I’ve realized that I can mold my life ~ much in the same way a potter gives shape to her vase ~ and re-create it until it feels right. It’s not an easy task… it requires discipline and the ability to accept failure (qualities that I feel like I am now starting to acquire) but I’m DOING it. I’m actually doing it. Little by little, I’m facing my demons.
Every now and then, I’ll even get this feeling that I’m looking at the world through the eyes of my younger self. It’s this incredible feeling of total immersion, flow, and happiness. I find it strange that I can remember what my childhood felt like… but I remember it clearly and I’m glad to have these recollections of my perception of life. It reassures me that I’m going in the right direction.
As I was on the train back home from my university today I thought ~ why did I ever choose to write songs about him? why did I waste my tears, my energy, my time, on someone who absolutely humiliated and disrespected me in front of my friends?
I can remember EJ taking my hands, looking at my nails with chipped nail varnish, and
publicly declaring how horrible they looked. He then curtly let go of my fingers and left. Keep in mind – this happened in front of some of my closest friends.
I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t say anything… Why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I send him to hell or defend myself? I just sat there and let it happen.
The thing is, I have weird history with nail polish. When I was younger, I had someone I respected quite a bit tell me the same thing EJ told me that day at the dorm (let’s call this guy X). In fact, I wanted X’s approval so badly that I just stopped wearing nail polish altogether because I would always unconsciously peel off my varnish. When X made the comment about my nails, I felt so ashamed and gross. I really didn’t mind my chipped nails ~ I actually quite liked them ~ but after X’s comment, my nail-painting days were over.
But isn’t it funny how the one and only time that I decide to paint my nails again, EJ (the person I had a crush on) made the same exact comment X made about my nails almost five years ago? EJ made me feel just as ashamed and just as gross as X had made me feel. Ah life. I’d forgotten about this until today.
But what most concerns me is that I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t say anything. I just let the feeling of shame gnaw at me… why did I allow him to be disrespectful toward me? Is this how I will act every time I fall for someone?
What scares met is that a few days after this happened, I told EJ that I liked him and wrote a fucking song about him. Then I eventually sang this song to him. WHAT THE FUCK? Like… what was I thinking? Why would I ever do that for someone who hurt me? To be honest, I wasn’t really doing it for EJ… I was doing it more for myself. But still… why? Maybe I was just used to being treated that way so I was attracted to the familiarity of the situation. I don’t know. All I know is that I sure hope to GOD that next time this happens, I will have the strength and courage to stand up for myself. Even if the person making the comment is someone I admire/like, I will not allow ANYONE get away with it anymore.
i want my life to be beautiful. i want to fill it with soft and delicate moments. i also want it to be filled with hard and painful ones because it is only through juxtaposition that one can realize that beauty does not just lie in the delicate. beauty does not just lie in the painful. Beauty lies the contrast.
i was sitting in the steps of the trocadéro today at around 7:00 and suddenly, the Eiffel Tower lit up!
but here is what i remember the most: the astounded sighs from the people around me. the collective breathtaking sound made me think ~ this is what life must be about. it’s about these few ephemeral seconds of pure significance.
feel the beauty and the pain as i'm riding on this train so i know that the main thing to do is to keep moving on to the sound of the city to forget all the pity that i feel for myself in this moment. - song
i don't want to be like you i don't want to sink like you do just want to go into the desert feel the wind between my fingertips all alone. underneath the sun don't you know you hold the key to your universe so let's go.
"you come into this world alone. you will die alone. if you don't stand up for yourself, people will walk all over you. so get up. dust yourself off. conquer your demons" - advice